Polaroid Puzzle
by Luka-nee
Summary: The morning after his Fairy Tail initiation, Jellal wakes up with a terrible headache and no recollection of anything he'd done! His only hope is to investigate the incriminating photographs of him taken throughout the night! C for Crack!
1. Polaroid Picture

_For shame, starting another story. _

_Just be free and easy with the pairings, here, okay. Just go with it. Just take the crack and screw the canon, okay?_

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><p><strong>SHAKE IT - SHAKE - SHAKE IT<strong>

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><p>Jellal awoke with a tongue that was swollen and heavy in a mouth that felt raw and stank so potently of straight alcohol that he could actually feel it in his nose. He brought his hand to his head and rubbed his forehead, sweeping back blue hair that was now dirty and... kind of sticky and... had... Was that <em>cream?<em>

Argh. Why!

He hadn't opened his eyes yet. Something told him there was a mysterious and terrible world waiting for him outside the comforting expanse of his eyelids. He recognised he was lying on hard wooden floor - which was probably why his shoulder blades ached so bad - and the back of his head was all flat and numb. There was a suspicious wetness to his left sock, too, he noticed. He wiggled the toes on his right foot experimentally. They were free! Unconfined. Why was he only wearing one sock?

He felt a draught against his stomach and grunted from the cold, petulant, indignant... Wait- Why wasn't he wearing a _shirt_?

Jellal hid his face in the crook of his elbow. Okay, he reasoned, trying to stay calm. It was obvious he had been drinking – if nothing else, the taste of his mouth could attest to that. He had been released from prison, taken to Fairy Tail, met a few weirdos, music had started, lights went dim, something... happened... then a girl with a whole keg had said...

Hmm.

Past that, he couldn't remember. What _was_ it with him and memory loss! Good start, Jellal, he growled to himself. Bloody job well done.

He would have to investigate all this. He remembered _nothing_. What had they got him to drinking? Jellal's sophisticated palate meant he only ever became accustomed to expensive wines and... sophisticated villain things - like brandy! The delinquents of Fairy Tail had probably given him a weird mix of spirits, ale, mead and _box wine – GOON_ – probably all in the same bloody drink! And had he been-? His chest felt strange... his lungs. Jellal groaned as he identified another off taste in his mouth and nose. Had he been _smoking_ as well? _Really_?

Jellal was struck by the not-unfamiliar notion that he was, in fact, a very big idiot. His thoughts were moving snail-slow through his head, floating about in a trance, shellshocked, as if most of their friends had been killed right before their eyes. Which, he admitted, was probably a pretty reasonable reaction. It had been a massacre; so many brain cells sacrificed to the God of Drunken Parties. Lucky he had a few to spare.

But he would definitely have to get up soon. Go exploring. Was he still even in the guild? Where was everyone else? Erza-! Where was _Erza_! Holy shit he could have done _anything_ to her and he wouldn't be able to remember! He felt his face go red just imagining it – things he could have said – done – held – _licked, bitten, kissed – STOP_! Just... PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. Surely he could find _someone_ that remembered the night before. Surely they could help him out.

Don't be scared! Just think of it as an adventure! This would be his first Fairy Tail quest!

Momentarily inspired, Jellal opened his eyes-

Aaaand closed them again! Because OH GOD WHY DID THAT HURT SO MUCH HE WAS NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN-

Retreat! Get back! Roll over, groan and regroup!

Oh – no, okay that was a bad idea. Moving upset his stomach. Vomit! OF COURSE. That was why his throat was burning! New fact discovered!

It's the little things.

"Okay," he said out loud, eyes still scrunched shut, hands clutching his aching head. "Get a grip, Jellal. _Come_ on. Up – up – up – _UP_!" And he rolled to his back, heaved and flipped to his feet. The momentum of the move almost sent him head over heels the other way, but he managed to stay upright, even if the world was spinning strangely through his squinty eyes. "Fuck," he muttered, a habit he had picked up while incarcerated. "Fuck, _fuck, fuck fuck._ Shit." He felt like he was going to throw up - a lot – everywhere – and his head throbbed like his brain was trying to escape out his ears. He looked at the ground, swayed a little, then opened his eyes. It wasn't so bad the second time. Less sunlight on the ground.

The wood looked disgusting, though. It was covered in bits of food and dust and a whole bunch of unidentifiable liquids. Had he really slept on that?

He looked disbelievingly around him, at all the bodies littered throughout the hall. Had _everyone_ slept on that?

Oh! Nope, Gray and Wakaba were passed out on a table broken clean in half. There would be splinters in unpleasant places in the morning, Jellal sympathised. Especially since Gray was completely stark naked. Not that Jellal could _really_ judge.

He looked down at his stomach, stuck out his hips so he could see down the length of it. He groaned. Someone had definitely drawn on him. There was a giant curve across his naval, just under his bellybutton and dangerously close to the unbuckled – wait – shit – what? – belt on his navy slacks. It was drawn with lipstick, he thought. Something red that caked together, sticky to the touch. Upon further inspection he realised that it was a mouth, his bellybutton a nose and his nipples, carefully lined in what was _possibly_ black pen or texta, were now a pair of eyes. He took a minute to hate everyone, and then allowed himself a few seconds to be impressed by the quality of whoever had drawn on the eyelashes. They were immaculate!

Jellal turned around to look at where he had been sleeping. There was a Jellal-shaped bare patch on the floor, surrounded by (more) inidentifiable liquids, glasses, jugs, cups, bowls and the limbs of other people. Natsu was asleep where his feet had been, drooling openly – the source of Jellal's wet left sock, if his calculations were correct. Jellal looked down at the fabric of his pants and brushed himself off. Weird stuff had gathered there – lint and glitter and – he shifted around – _jewels_! There were jewels in his pockets and – _ow_ – one in his freaking underwear! REALLY? SERIOUSLY?

He laughed a little deliriously. Giggled. Chuckled and then guffawed. He swung around unsteadily and looked for red. For scarlet – for _Scarlet_. Everyone was still asleep, and he had to explore whilst navigating the sleeping bodies of his new friends. He pulled off a number of impressive moves so as not to trip over or step on anyone. He heard someone hiccup and made a beeline for the bar, where Cana had woken up, swaying atop a huge keg of... something.

"Jellal!" she cried, happy to see him, arms outstretched. "My man!" As she fell and Jellal caught her clumsily, he considered the possibility that she still might be drunk. "How you feelin', handsome?" she asked with her arms around his neck, unable to support herself properly, her weight dragging the both of them towards the countertop, trying to remain upright.

"Like shit," he answered her. "Like _shit_. I was trying to find Erza to figure out what happened..."

Cana looked at him wide-eyed. "You don't _remember_? You went wild!"

ALARM BELLS!

"_Normal_ wild or... Jellal-is-crazy-and-trying-to-resurrect-some-guy-who-isn't-actually-dead wild?"

"Both," she grinned, foxy and tricksy. Jellal groaned and heaved her, getting a better hold so that she didn't drop to the floor. "I didn't know you'd be so much _fun_! I thought it would be like, you know, maybe you'd like, _cry_ a little and be all solemn and stuff but you _danced on a table_!"

"Did I really? Seriously?" he balked, distressed.

"Yes!" she laughed. "With Natsu and Gray in Lucy's high heels, with a pink feather boa around your neck!"

He felt the overwhelming urge to facepalm. "You're joking."

"I'm not! Mirajane brings a Polaroid camera to events like this so that we can piece together everything that happened the morning after. She DEFINITELY took pictures of THAT. Several. Lots. A _heap_. I think she also took pictures of when you..." She cut off, sly. He panicked.

"Of when I what?"

"No, no," she hiccupped. "I don't want to tell you. I want you to find the pictures! It's more fun that way! It's a Fairy Tail _tradition_." She played with the hair on the back of his neck, tried to run her hands through it but stopped often, what with all the leftover crap that was caked in it. She giggled in a way that made him terribly nervous and reached behind her, towards a little slip of shiny paper hidden partially under the keg.

"For example... Remember _this_?"

And she shoved a very incriminating photograph in his face.

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><p><strong>SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!<strong>

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><p><em>Oh, Jellal! What did you do~?<em>


	2. My First Kiss

_I actually haven't seen the hangover! Any coincidences are purely... coincidental? x)_

_Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed! Your support means a lot to me - and to Jellal, I'm sure - as hungover and probably very smelly and dirty as he is. Please continue to support us!_

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><p><strong>KISS KISS - AND TWIST - KISS KISS<strong>

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><p><em>Jellal's head buzzes pleasantly.<em>

_He feels light, carefree. The smirking girl across the table is laughing, and he can't remember why but he wants to laugh too. It's been such a long time since he's honestly laughed about something that the sound seems strange in his ears. "Drink up!" this girl tells him – Cana. Her name is Cana. Cana... Alber... something. Likes to drink. Boyfriend is a keg. Not a bad life choice, that._

_Jellal's chest jerks with restrained laughter as he looks at the giant shot glass in front of him. He slams his hand on the table and grabs the glass as best he can with fingers that are suddenly these crazy magical squiggly things on the end of his hands. Look, they move! They're like little alien tentacles! That is so awesome!_

_"Come on, handsome!" Cana keeps calling him that. He likes it – doesn't think much on it – but he likes it. Is he handsome? Handsome guys get girls. Strong guys get Erza. Which one was he? "You took up my challenge! So _drink up_!"_

_He grins mischievously and does what she says – grabs it and downs it clumsily, the raw vodka burning his stomach as it settles, scorching the rest of his throat on the way down. He lets out a breath and almost throws the giant shot glass back to the table. With each shot he consumes three standard drinks, and he had eaten very little beforehand. "There!" he announces. "There! Ha!"_

_But Cana snaps his little victory in mere seconds, downing four of the glasses in quick succession. "That's not human," he gasps, mortified._

_"Do it!"_

_He's being challenged, so of _course _he says, "I will!" even though his liver is crying little liver tears, poor thing._

_He manages to down three before he splutters at the fourth, his body rejecting the burning spirit and forcing it back out his mouth. In an effort not to lose he shuts his mouth, holds it closed as he tries not to join in with Cana's laughing. Vodka pours out his nose instead and Cana guffaws, points, and falls off her seat. She manages to right herself eventually, on her knees, just in time for Jellal to wipe his face on his hoodie sleeve, laughing so hard he looks like he's in the grasp of an epileptic fit._

_Cana pulls his arm. He tries to stay where he is but his balance is shot; he falls off and on to her, braces himself on hands positioned by chance on either side of her head. She plays with his jacket strings. "You're all wet, now," she says slyly, pointing at the pools of vodka staining his shirt. "Maybe you should get out of those clothes."_

_He doesn't say anything, just smirks, the cogs in his brain matching Drunk and Pretty Girl with Pinned Underneath Him and coming up with a scandalous idea that part of him knows is bad... but Erza said they were just _friends_, right? Or should he just maybe not do anything after all?_

_"Consider it gone," he hears himself saying anyway, and he sits up across her thighs to pull his jacket and shirt up over his head before leaning down on her again._

_"Wouldn't want you to get sick," she says fairly. He nods, frowning. "That would probably be bad."_

_"Now," Cana says, a slow, easy smile spreading like honey across her face. "Do you remember what the wager was?"_

_Just barely. "I have to do anything you say if I lose." He considers it for a moment, his face screwed up in an effort to concentrate, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, as if that helped and didn't make her stare at it with almost feverish anticipation. "But you already told me to take off my clothes and I _did_."_

_"That wasn't an order," she quips, snaking her arms up around his neck. "I think I want something else." She uses him to lift her torso, strokes around his jawline and trails one hand down the sinew in his neck, down his chest. She puts her cheek on his, moves her head against him like an affectionate cat and whispers in his ear, "Kiss me..."_

:-

Jellal looked at Cana like he was a kid that had been caught stealing from the cookie jar.

"So... you and me."

She clapped him on the back. They were now both sitting on the bar, Cana still unstable, leaning against his shoulder, holding the photograph for both of them to see. "Don't sound so guilty!" she scolded him. "I'm not that bad, am I?"

He gave her a sideways smirk. "Not from what I remember." She grinned.

"This is what I was talking about! I thought you'd be a drag but you're _naughty_!"

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm just going to come out and ask..." He almost didn't want to know the answer. "What did Erza do?"

Cana grabbed the photo and looked at it closely, a frown on her face. In it he was using one hand to support himself and the other to hold the back of her head and neck, keeping her mouth pressed close on his, their bodies twisted together. Her own hands were scattered, one across his shoulders, the other down his back. It was only a still frame shot, but it looked fierce. She remembered it being fierce. She remembered his _tongue_ – his precision. He'd obviously done things like that before.

Or maybe he was just a natural at it? Cana supposed it didn't matter.

"Erza saw us, definitely," she told him, giving him an amused look as his face fell. "What's the problem?"

Jellal stumbled over whatever excuse he was trying to make, then managed a tight, "Er... Nothing," to which Cana only shook her head. "I know you're in love with her," she told him slowly, like she was explaining something to a small child. "Everyone knows you're in love with her. But, what you're asking is how she reacted. I'm sure you want to hear that she was terribly upset, but... well, you know Erza. She looked surprised for a bit and when we broke apart she was standing over us, just looking... you know. Dangerous. I can't remember what it was, but you started to say something and I – well, I was kinda _scared_..." She frowned again. "But like, I mean she'd told me before that you and her weren't a thing. Strictly friends and stuff, because of something about it being too dangerous for you two to get more involved with each other than you already are – were – I don't know – _anyway_ – you started to say something, but she laughed and said that she knew the game we were playing and debts must be paid, since you lost, and she walked away to start bantering with Gajeel – was it Gajeel? Someone big and hairy. Maybe Elfman." Cana looked at the forlorn expression on her new friend's face and clapped him on the back again. "Ah, there, there! It's better than her being angry, right! You might have woken up this morning with no legs or arms!"

"So she wasn't bothered?" he asked again, just for clarification. He was disappointed. Even though they'd agreed to be friends, and she'd told him to cut loose – at least just for that night – he sort of hoped they might cut loose _together_. Even now she was still the most wonderful thing in the world. He was so in love with her it hurt.

"Sorry, champ," she sighed. "Not at that point."

He perked up. "What?"

"Well things didn't exactly stop with you and I," she smirked, that dangerous smirk which he knew was trouble but which he found himself rather enjoying. "You kind of... got around."

"Did I kiss Natsu?" he asked suddenly.

Cana gave him a strange look. "No? Was there any reason that you thought you might have...?"

"Well, you know – him and I sort of -" He broke off, realising he was digging himself a hole to Edolas, and Cana looked _hungry_. "No. Um. Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Not likely," she snorted. "I'll have to keep an eye out for _that_ in the future."

"Shut up," he groaned. He let his head flop forwards into his hands and regretted it instantly. It felt like his brain was a giant wave, smashing and breaking against the rock that was his skull. He could _feel_ the brain juice sloshing around inside his head. It was _bad_. "_Ow_," he groaned. But there were more pressing matters to deal with, no matter how tired, how sore, how much pain he was in. "So, who else did I...?"

"Are you kidding? That's not the way things _go_," Cana slurred, slapping him on the arm this time. "You have to look for more pictures. Check under things and in things and under _people_. Some of them might be holding pictures. Just don't be surprised if you find some things that are a bit... Well. You know," she winked. "And they won't all be of _you_, so remember, judge nothing! Judge no one! That's not the way the Morning After works in Fairy Tail, got it?"

"Aren't you coming with me?"

"You idiot I can barely walk!" she cried. "Go yourself! It's more fun to hear it from a bunch of people – I _promise_."

"I like you, Cana," Jellal grinned, even though it kind of hurt his mouth to do so. "Thanks for last night. I would've been pretty boring had you not got a few hundred drinks in me."

"_Seventeen_ drinks," she corrected him. "And I like you too. You're naughty!"

Jellal left her on the bar top ready to pass out again and started to hunt for the other photographs. She was right, he reflected.

He had been _very_ naughty.

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><p><strong>KISS KISS - AND TWIST - KISS KISS<strong>

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><p><em>The song from the first chapter is Hey Ya. This one is My First Kiss, by Oh 3 Oh. I think it might be my favourite. Fail.<em>

_And - before I forget:_

_Dear Lady LOLerskates. I have considered your pairing request and have DECIDED THAT IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE FOLLOWING THE LOGICAL PATTERN OF TAKE OVER X RAIJINSHUU COUPLING AND I will put it in this story - even if indirectly. It will be there. It won't be huge. But it will be there :)_


	3. Umbrella

_I have a Japanese exchange student, so I've been really busy D: He's really lovely and fun, but it doesn't leave me much time to write. And I've been pissed off at my brother, so I haven't been in the mood for writing lols ):U_

_It's actually disturbingly difficult to think of party songs directly relevant to each chapter. Or... at least upbeat songs that are ALMOST relevant! Blah._

_Thank you again everyone for your reviews :) Your approval is heartwarming, and I'm so happy you're enjoying it :)_

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><p><strong>UNDER MY UMBRELLA - ELLA - ELLA<strong>

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><p>Jellal took four steps away from the unconscious body of Cana Alberona, rolled his ankle on a bottle of <em>something<em> and fell ass over tit to the floor with all the grace of a seedy old prostitute running down a mountain on one stiletto. Before he could recover something had him by the ankles, and though he scrabbled at the ground, leaving gouges in the wood worthy of at _least_ a B-grade horror movie, he ended up in some place dark. Very dark.

And very wet.

Which wouldn't have been weird if it was just the _ground_ – because let's not forget - the ground was disgusting - but it was everywhere! If Jellal didn't know any better, he'd actually say it was raining...

"Pitter patter," moaned a gloomy voice. Jellal struggled in the back of his head for a name. Llu- No. Er... "J-Juvia?" he asked the darkness.

"Good morning, Jellal-kun," Juvia sniffed. Spot on! Go him! He had been determined to memorise the names of Erza's friends. "How are you feeling?"

"Wet."

"Oh! Juvia is sorry!" she fussed, easing back on the rainfall. "It's just... It rains when Juvia is..."

"Sad? In the dark?" He paused. "Crazy?"

"It boils when Juvia is crazy," she sighed forlornly. Jellal chuckled. He couldn't say that he was entirely comfortable being dragged against his will into the lair of an ameonna, but he had heard a little bit about Juvia from Erza. She was crazy, but sweet – a strange mix – and she had protected her friends during the events at the Tower. Sometimes Erza would mention her when she talked about Gray.

Erza often talked about Gray - when she wasn't talking about Natsu.

_Ugh. Stop it._

"So, Juvia," he started, sitting up. Before, he'd been lying where he'd stopped, wondering at the lack of light. Because, what? Had he just not been _solid_ whilst entering... er, wherever the hell he was? There was _no light_, and he hadn't been dragged through a door. "What's with this place?" He gestured uselessly. "The dark."

"Doesn't Jellal-kun remember?" she asked curiously. The rain had stopped completely, and Jellal was soaked to the bone. His face, though Juvia could not see it, had morphed itself into an impressive pout. _Erza's underwear, I'm _never_ drinking again._

"Are you saying that I had some hand in this?"

"This is the stronghold of the Broken Blue Brigade," she reminded him gently, as if he were crazy. "The last refuge for all that have had their hearts broken like..." Juvia trailed off like she thought _she_ was crazy. "... Like twigs... over the knee of a... burly lumberjack."

Jellal groaned. "Did I say that? That was me, wasn't it?"

"Jellal-kun said it many times," she told him sympathetically. "Jellal-kun seemed very proud of himself, talking about lumberjacks through his tears."

_Oh you have got to be-_

"Th-Through my _TEARS_?" This was a whole new level of arrogance, even for him! Was he that impressed with such a stupid expression? Like a twig over the knee of a... _Really_? Was that the best he could do? One year in a cell with nothing to keep him company but the occasional lady knight, his hand and his own clever thoughts and _this_ is what came out? _For shame, Jellal Fernandes. No wonder they didn't want you out in public._

"Why was I crying?"

"Juvia can't say," she said softly as he grumbled. "Juvia can only explain if Jellal-kun finds the pictures. Juvia knows the rules of Fairy Tail and follows them, because Juvia is a nice girl."

"Did I kiss you?"

Juvia's rain hit him like a tsunami, knocking him on his back, landing full in his face, pounding so hard that he thought it might actually bruise. He shouted out for her to stop but the weather took his words away and didn't cease until she'd calmed herself. "No!" she squealed eventually, as he lay there soaked, panting. "Of course Juvia didn't kiss Jellal-kun! Jellal-kun is n-not Juvia's type! Juvia's type is – Juvia's type is _Gray-sama_!"

Well... yes.

He knew that. He didn't know _much_, but he knew _that._

"I guess that makes things simple," he smiled, kind of wary. "If you would... point me to the exit so I can get out of the rain – your hair – this place." His brain still wasn't working. Getting his head beaten in by torrential downpour hadn't helped his aching cranium at all! "I need to find Erza and the other photos to find out what went on. Would you like to come with me?"

"J-Juvia has h-h-had enough of Jellal-kun p-_propositioning_ her," Juvia stuttered. She was half solidified in the darkness, could feel him more than see him, knew where he was by how her drizzle fell, blocked from the ground by his body. Stupid tempting Jellal-kun, comforting her in her time of need. Maybe she could pretend nothing happened if she kept hold of their photograph together? She hoped so. She didn't want Gray-sama to hate her!

She didn't want Erza-san to _cut_ her!

"I propositioned you? That..." Jellal sighed. "Okay. I know you can't tell me. Just show me the exit and I'll leave."

He couldn't tell what Juvia was doing, but a rectangle of light revealed itself somewhere to his right. Water trickled from the little portal, no doubt adding to the ridiculous mess across the guild floor. Jellal could see Juvia's eerie waterlogged face as he turned away from the brightness, too much for his already strained eyes to handle after almost five minutes immersed in pitch black. Some magic was utterly curious. His powers didn't affect his body like hers or Natsu's did. Interesting, really.

But he still _very much_ wanted to leave.

He squinted and scrabbled for the exit on his hands and knees, stomach half sliding, half dragging across the floor. He gave a brief thought to the wellbeing of the face on his torso – _I'm sorry_, _those eyelashes truly were exquisite_ – and burst out into the light...

... Only to be confronted by a giant scarred face that screamed, "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

And on his stomach, wet and bedraggled and not entirely sure of exactly where he was, Jellal could only scream it back.

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><p><strong>EH - EH - EH?<strong>

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><p><em>I haven't heard Umbrella for a very long time.<em>

_Lady AshenMarsha, I delightedly accept your triangle request. And was actually thinking of doing that myself anyway~ Look forward to it!_


	4. Dynamite

_I just came back from the Cirque de Soleil! It was TOTALLY INTENSE, I loved it! :D_

_Thank you everyone who reviewed! I hope one day when you find yourself hungover and memory-less you remember this story, and take everything like a man. Do as Jellal does..._

_Actually... that's not really good advice... :/_

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><p><strong>COZ IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON<strong>

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><p>Jellal wasn't a small guy, but Elfman was almost as big as Simon, and the muscular right arm wrapped fondly around Jellal's neck made him feel like a child. He didn't really appreciate the sensation – or the smell, for that matter – but he'd seen the stack of shiny clues in Elfman's hand, and was sure he could use this opportunity to further his investigation.<p>

_The things I do for love._

It had taken about forty seconds of Jellal lying on the ground screaming for Elfman to crack up laughing, haul him to his feet and give him a big, brutish hug. Unaware he had reason ever to be so close to this nut, Jellal went dubiously along with the familiar way Elfman talked. _I just hope I didn't kiss him, too_. As he thought, Elfman clapped him fondly on the chest, so hard it winded him and made his unsettled stomach gurgle ominously. _Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up_.

"How're you feeling!" Elfman shouted, discourteous in the face of a terrible headache. "A real man gets no hangovers!"

"I -"

"And if he DOES get hangovers," Elfman continued, glorious in his enthusiasm, "he eats BACON. Lots of bacon! Or salami! Or maybe a WHOLE LAMB SHANK."

"I don't -"

"MEAT!" Elfman howled, disturbing the sleeping guild members on the floor and caring naught of it. "MEAT AND MEAD ARE A MAN'S BEST FRIENDS. Tell me, comrade, are you hungover?"

"Yes," Jellal almost whimpered. Elfman's hulking arm made it impossible for him to get his hands to his ears since it was wrapped so tightly around his neck and shoulders - a particularly morbid boa made of flesh and bone. Elfman did not just have a barrel chest, Jellal decided, he had a set of barrel _lungs_, and he was apparently _very_ good at recovering after a heavy night of boozing. Lucky jerk. "My head hurts, and I don't remember anything, and I don't know where Erza is," he explained. "I need quiet and I need to see the pictures you're carrying in your left hand. I need you to explain what they mean. Please, Elfman. For the sake of... our... manly bonds of friendship." He looked up into Elfman's eyes and Elfman looked back into his. It was a solemn, sparkly moment.

"BUT OF COURSE!"

He picked Jellal up, using naught but the arm he already had around him, and walked over to Gray and Wakaba's broken table. Gray had started to moan and stir, shaking his head from side to side. Jellal was deposited beside him, and tried to pop his shoulders back into place whilst avoiding Gray's flailing nude appendages. _You must not look, you must not look. Of course he's smaller – why wouldn't he be? No, don't _check_!_

"Why here?" Jellal asked, shooting the sleeping men a distasteful glance. Gray irked Jellal. Gray had never cared a fig for him, and did not hold the same belief in his goodness that Natsu thought so obvious. Jellal did not expect chocolates and flowers, but the warning looks he got from Gray whenever he was with Erza drove him insane. He was jealous that Gray fancied himself her knight in silken boxers – jealous he could claim that title at all. Jellal had the power to stop Erza's tears, but he was also the cause of them, too, more often than not.

_Don't dwell, don't dwell._

"Gray was part of our shenanigans last night," Elfman said. He seemed to assume that Jellal did not remember, and was not making a fuss like those two sly (and obviously pretty crazy) girls had beforehand. "I will attempt to wake Natsu, so he can join in the reminiscing."

He left, off to find the slayer who was drooling in a pool of vomit, one of Jellal's socks grasped firmly in his hand. Gray moaned again and Jellal told him to shut up. Wakaba didn't move but for breathing.

"_You_ shut up, spaceman," Gray growled back. One dark eye was open, staring up at him reproachfully, suspiciously, in the way it always seemed to do. _I'll kill you,_ it seemed to say. _I'll kill you and I'll hold her when you're gone_. Jellal snarled through his sickness and his headache and his bruises and his memory gaps, but he always got the feeling that his threats meant little more to Gray than the snarling of a Chihuahua. _Tch_.

Bellows of, "MAAAAAAAAN!" sporadically filled the stale air around them, but Natsu refused to wake or move – as did everyone else. Most seemed immune to Elfman's shouts – an impressive quality to say the least. Jellal wished he was the same. He swilled his spit inside his mouth, gathering it and spreading it in an attempt to try and garner respite from the taste behind his lips. At least his tongue felt normal-ish now. Smaller. Less furry. Not so much like a mouldy sponge.

"Bad taste?" asked Gray sympathetically. Jellal took the olive branch willingly and nodded, pensive.

"You?"

"My mouth tastes like someone else's," Gray said lazily, stretching, smirking. He touched his bruised lips with a faraway look in his eye. "It was a _good_ night."

"Sounds like a lot happened," Jellal said carefully. Gray sat up, frowned at his nakedness, looked around quickly to check that there was no Erza to beat him for it, and covered himself with what might have been Levy's jacket; a bright orange garment that had been carelessly discarded on the table surface not far away. Jellal wondered how happy she would be about _that_ as the ice mage picked a splinter from his inner thigh.

Gray never did get around to answering Jellal; Elfman's return took care of that. The big guy picked up Wakaba like he was a doll and dropped him carelessly on the floor to make room for Natsu. The dragon slayer was delirious, much like Jellal had been, his eyes narrow slits, pants torn, vest vanished. His scarf was missing from around his neck, and his pink hair fell down over his eyes. "Blaaararargh..." he said. Jellal and Gray looked much inclined to agree.

Elfman pulled up a seat with a grin on his face that said he was enjoying this whole thing a little too much. "Brothers!" he started, and Jellal felt his heart sink. "My brothers in MANLINESS, gaze upon these pictures and remember our fruitful bonds! You are brethren from this day forward, so fight no more!"

Jellal, Gray and Natsu squeaked, hiccupped and farted respectively.

What – the -_ fuck?_

* * *

><p><strong>COZ IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON/!**

* * *

><p><em>Okay, I don't actually listen to much popular music - well, I sort of do - but I sort of don't... Anyway, the songs that I have in mind suit other chapters better than they would this one and I JUST DON'T KNOW *SOBSOBSOB*<em>

_Messaging me with tacky pop songs that remind you of this story would actually be really great o_o_

_So. Dynamite. Taio Cruz. Except if these lyrics are what's floating around inside Jellal's head, they're sure as hell the most sarcastic things ever. CHILL OUT, JELLYBEAN._


	5. My People

_I got over seven reviews for my last chapter AND SO I AM UPDATING AGAIN NOW! HUZZAH! UPDATES!_

_Thank you to everyone who messaged me songs, I heart you! Keep 'em coming! For some of the chapters I have songs planned out, so these suggestions REALLY help me when I'm stuck! :D_

_I hate Katy Perry('s music), but I just listened to her song, and OH MY GOD IT PRETTY MUCH /IS/ THIS STORY. I sort of feel like a hack! blargh!_

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><p><strong>I'M HERE WITH ALL OF MY PEOPLE!<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Jellal looks at Gray.<em>

_Jellal looks at Natsu. _

_BEST FRIENDS, he thinks, the notion unbidden but surprisingly well-received in his alcohol-addled head. "Best friends!" he says, out loud this time. He _LOVES_ these guys!_

_When he staggers Gray catches him, snickering. Natsu's arm is around his shoulders and both his hands are filled with bottles. There are bottles everywhere! "Welcome to Fairy Tail!" Jellal sings, throwing one arm wide._

_"Welcome to Fairy Tail!" Gray echoes enthusiastically, trying to stay upright. "Upa!" Natsu shouts. _

_Fairy Tail stops. Everyone lifts their glasses in a toast._

_"UPA!"_

_Natsu drinks. Jellal drinks. Gray drinks. Everyone else drinks, too. Cheers erupt all over! _

_"I _love_ this place!" Jellal drawls, tripping, twisting, dragging Natsu and Gray far left, narrowly missing a table and a very dishevelled Freed. "This is _great_!"_

_Natsu stops, turns to him and grabs his face tight between his hands, staring as seriously as he can with snot bubbling in his nose and whiskey taking over blood and fire in his veins. "We _love_ each other here, man. We're like – we full on – we _love_ each other." He's unbalanced and falls, dragging Jellal and Gray with him. They lean against a wooden bench. Gray is laughing about nothing in particular. He swipes a nearby bottle from the limp hand of a guild mate and takes a swig, then another. Jellal claps his hands on Natsu's shoulders as the slayer kneads his face. He barely feels it – his cheeks are numb. _

_They stare at each other, dazed. Jellal feels nothing but love. "My ass is yours," he says solemnly. _

_"Easy, spaceman," Gray sniggers, elbowing Jellal sharply in the spine. "No need to get _that_ close. Not till Mira's around with a camera to take a picture of it, anyway."_

_Jellal pauses, thinks hard, tongue out. "I... do not understand what you are saying," he says carefully, like his own language is foreign to him. Natsu looks over Jellal's shoulder to scowl at Gray, though he keeps his hands plastered on Jellal's cheeks. "_Punk_," he snarls. "Come at me!" _

_Gray is about to respond, when-_

_"I trust you three are getting along?"_

_All three boys jump. Natsu's hand snaps to his forehead in a salute, Jellal realises there's nowhere to hide, and Gray lets go a stunning howl of, "Hooooooooly shiiiit!" that really does nothing to improve their problematic situation. It is Erza Scarlet's voice that speaks. It is Erza Scarlet that stands before them in all her disciplinary glory. _

_The boys can only gabber._

_"Best friends," Natsu stutters. Jellal and Gray nod enthusiastically, waving their arms to get their feelings across. "The BESTEST."_

_"Just a second ago, these two were gonna go _all the way_," the ice mage tells her helpfully. Jellal yelps and makes a grab for him, but Gray sways expertly out of the way, jeering when Jellal falls sideways, landing square on his nose. His eyelids are heavy, like they've been weighted with lead, but when he manages to open them... _

_He sees something he likes._

_Very much._

Wow_._

_"Guys," he says. "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, _guys_. You have to see this." And without ceremony they follow him, faces clunking into the ground, a tiny part of Natsu's incisor lost forever to the hard timber floors of Fairy Tail. They drool, and Erza looks uncharacteristically ruffled. She snaps her legs together, pulls her skirt down, and when the embarrassment doesn't fade, she stomps on all three of their faces. Their howls of pain seem to placate her, as does the way they roll and squirm. "Don't do anything else _stupid_ tonight, idiots," she growls. "Or I can't guarantee what'll happen. _You_ especially!" She grinds her foot into the back of Jellal's head. "Best behaviour, you hear me?"_

_"Y-Yes, ma'am!"_

:-

Gray choked on his words, looking over his shoulder to check the lady knight was nowhere near. He swallowed. "Whose bright idea was _that_?"

Jellal shrugged uneasily, for the first time glad he remembered nothing. The sight of him staring so ardently up Erza's skirt, with two of his _rivals_ right beside him, wearing the _exact same expressions_ and seeing the _exact same things_ that he could see was nothing short of horrific! What was he thinking! He wasn't a pervert – really, he wasn't! Twenty years old and healthy and very, very capable and even more willing to please, yes – but perverted? Well – not unless you counted that thing with the...

Er.

No.

Um.

He... wasn't a pervert.

While he was reasoning with himself, Natsu was staring wide-eyed. "I can't believe I'm still alive," he breathed. "I'm _still alive_!"

"It must have been _that_ Erza," Gray nodded sagely. Natsu understood what he meant, but Jellal had no clue. As much as he loathed having to ask someone else about the person he knew best, it was going to do him no good being ignorant. "What?"

"Sometimes," Natsu started, swaying a little as his hands moved along with his mouth, "Erza drinks. Sometimes."

"And sometimes," Gray continued, "she's a _happy_ drunk – and she's up for a little – you know..." No, Jellal most certainly god-fucking-damn well did _not _know! "... She'll initiate things and show off some of her more interesting requips... Flirt. Let go... Maybe make out with Mirajane a little..."

_R-Really?_

"And other times she's a MAD drunk," Natsu said, wide-eyed. "Crazy."

"Unforgiving."

"But REALLY strong!"

_Initiate fanboy mode in 3... 2..._

"STRONG LIKE A TRUE MAN!" Elfman bellowed. The three young men on the broken, splintery table looked at him like they'd forgotten he was there. In his hand he splayed three photographs; the first showing Natsu, Jellal and Gray's uncoordinated chain, bodies linked together like intoxicated amateurs trying to perform Swan Lake, the second showing Natsu's scream of, "Upa!" and Jellal's drunken _derp-this-is-awesome_ face, and the third; all three of them staring brazenly up at Erza's underwear, her foot raised and ready for action, her face not even in the frame.

Dirty as it was, Jellal found himself desperate to remember that particular moment. Unfortunately, he couldn't recall a thing. Perhaps the terrible throbbing at the back of his head could be explained by that particularly incriminating Polaroid - had Erza done that to him? Maybe.

Then again, maybe the headache was just because he had had a _lot_ to drink that night, and was now spending the morning after in the company of a muscled, over-enthusiastic MAAAAAAAAAAAN! who APPARENTLY _ONLY KNEW ONE WORD_-! RARGH!

One of Jellal's olive eyes twitched as Elfman opened his mouth to speak again.

"Now, MEN, don't relax just yet! These three weren't the only MANLY pictures taken of you three that night."

Jellal let out a sigh. At least he had more clues to follow. And Elfman's normal voice was pretty alright - maybe he'd had enough of screaming? Maybe they could talk about all this quietly... respectful of his aching senses. Yes. That would be great.

Alas, that Elfman decided otherwise.

He waited until their guards were down before throwing the already-viewed photographs away, raising his arms up high. "MAAAAAAAAAAN!" he screamed in their faces.

"FUUUUUCKING HELL!" Jellal bellowed back, tearing at his hair.

* * *

><p><strong>PARTY TIME WITH ALL OF MY PEOPLE!<strong>

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><p><em>It's actually really hard to write those lyrics without putting the NA~ NA~ NA~ after it. Alas!<em>

_Chere Lady AshenMarsha,_

_This one would gladly use lyrics from mmbop if this one knew any of the words they actually sung. When it comes on, I sort of sing enthusiastic gibberish along to the music. How embarrassing! It is my personal mission to add to Jellal's already extensive title. I hope he will get more dashes and !s and maybe even a ? in his name. Paraoid_Hungover!Bi-curious?Jellal? Naughty boy. _

_I took my exchange student to the aquarium today! We flipped out over sharks! I LOVE SHARKS._

_Please continue to support us~! :D _


	6. Ghosts

_This story has so many reviews! You guys are the fucking BEST, seriously! I adore you all! :DD_

_I feel I should post a warning here, but the only one that needs to be aware of danger right now is Jellal, so..._

_Sorry, buddy, in advance. I just really, really, really like to fuck you up~ :)_

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><p><strong>LOVER PLEASE~ DO NOT~ FALL TO YOUR KNEES~<strong>

* * *

><p>They were laughing at him for his sudden outburst when time froze and even the melting cream sliding down the back of his neck just <em>stopped<em>. Erza Scarlet descended stairs to the top floor looking angelic and immaculate, tired, and so beautiful. She rubbed her eyes with the heel of one hand. He'd fled the table and gone to her before he even knew he was moving.

"Oh," she smiled at him. "Hey. Good morning."

Jellal had learned long ago how to not say anything stupid – and that was to not say anything at all. He waited until his heart dropped away from his throat before asking, "Sleep well?" with only a _tiny_ hint of tremor in his voice.

"Not as well as I could have," she said playfully, swaggering closer. The unsaid part of her sentence - _if I was next to you -_ hung in the air_._ He breathed it.

Erza looked up into his face, meeting his eye as his heart skipped a beat, adrenaline buzzing through his fingers. She looked so bright when he felt so run down, which, although not exactly _unfamiliar_, was something still as breathtaking as it had ever been. Erza took hold of both his hands and put them around her waist. They shook a little, but he managed to pull her close, squeezing her chest flush against his. She slid her arms around his neck and kissed him once, sweetly on the lips, a move that took him so by surprise he almost jerked away. Jellal recovered eventually, felt his cheeks go pink as he kissed back slowly, deeply, savouring it – the feeling and the taste and her scent - because it was all he'd ever wanted, this quiet contentment as he held her, felt her and loved her.

He was kissdrunk in seconds.

It was almost too good to be true.

"You were great last night," she whispered in his ear as he nuzzled her jaw. "We should definitely do it again soon."

He was about to reply when someone small – someone small and _blue_ forced their way between them. Jellal went to snap at the offender, but Levy ripped off Erza's hands before he could even get a word out, pushing her away and tugging him up the stairs. Jellal fought back, straining to get back down. "Levy – what the hell are you -?"

"That isn't Erza, you idiot!" Levy hissed. He froze in place, staring at the redheaded girl who was now walking towards the bar, apparently uninterested in his struggle to get back to her. "But..."

"It's _Mirajane_! She uses transformation magic! _God_! For all your, 'OH I LOVE ERZA SOOOOOO MUCH,' you sure don't know an imposter when you see one!" She tugged on his arm again, heaving him up the stairs through sheer willpower alone. Before his eyes, Erza's red hair changed to white, she lost half an inch in height, and her face slid away to reveal...

Mirajane. Jellal's happiness went out like a candle, and his heart plummeted down to his toes.

_Of course it wasn't real. You knew she didn't want you._

He could only laugh.

"Come on," Levy muttered. She lead him to a small circle of runes and sat him down. He crossed his legs and rested his forehead against his fists.

"I hate myself."

Something about Levy made it easy to trust her. Something about Levy made saying that okay.

She knelt in front of him. "You shouldn't," she told him sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder. "Mirajane is... Well, Mirajane is _really_ nice, but when it comes to Erza..." He gave her a hopeless look. "She takes their rivalry really seriously. They both do. And when she drinks – when they _both_ drink – it gets... intense." Levy watched him anxiously. "Unfortunately, you sort of... got caught in the middle. You're not the first person it's happened to. But you and her _did_ have a lot of fun last night!"

"Did I kiss her, too?" he asked dully. Levy smiled.

"Oh yes. Many, many times. You two were joined at the hip for quite a while! Both of you had smiles that were THIIIIIIS big!"

"Goody."

"Oh, don't be like that," she sighed. "It didn't mean anything to her, so it shouldn't mean anything to you. And I know it's probably embarrassing, but no one's judging you or anything. Me and maybe Gray and Natsu were the only ones that saw that just then, and I have enough dirt on _both_ of them to last a lifetime. Don't even worry about it." She gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up that made him smile, if only a little. Levy was _really, really_ cute. Even sober he wanted to just grab her and hug her and kiss her gratefully all over her sweet little face. He didn't know exactly how to tell her that he wasn't so much embarrassed as he was emotionally devastated by having his dream offered up to him and then snatched away a second later, though.

_You should have been suspicious._

Best not to trouble her.

_Shake it off. Shrug it off. Let it go._

He put on a smile. "Alright, Levy. Got any pictures for me?"

"Private McGarden, reporting for duty!" Levy reached behind her as Jellal examined the barrier runes set out around him. They were silence glyphs, making their little circle a secret fortress for the two of them. Jellal let out a breath. It was good to have Levy around. She was a good friend.

Although...

Could he really call her a friend? He supposed everyone in Fairy Tail could claim friendship with each other, ultimately. But Levy felt a little different. He'd only met her the night before, but there was a _connection_ there... He trusted her implicitly. What had they even _done_ together for him to feel that way? How far did it go? Was he crushing on her? He blew his hair out of his eyes and rubbed his face, tired, but so adept at ignoring inconvenient emotions that his chest was beginning to go numb instead of just aching painfully.

It was better that way.

When Levy had gathered everything she needed, Jellal clapped his thigh, game for the onslaught. "Lay it on me," he told her. "What else did I get up to last night?"

Levy assembled all four of her pictures in her hands and looked over them carefully before taking a breath. "First thing's first," she told him. "We _totally_ hooked up."

* * *

><p><strong>IT'S NOT LIKE I BELIEVE~ IN~ EVERLASTING LOVE!<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Ghosts, by Laura Marling - haven't heard it? Well why the hell not~?<em>

_I secretly ship Mirajane!Wanting!To!Fuck!Jellal's!Shit!Up. Every time she smiles I can't help but think she's a monster o_o I REALLY like her, but only under the pretence that she's kind of crazy. That said, they definitely got along really well the night before, and I look forward to putting some of my ideas for them into writing._

_As for Jellal and Levy, for some reason I just feel like they'd be absolute BFFs. They're both clever and intellectual and they must go to the same hairdresser bi-weekly to get their hair done. There's a lot of time for bonding._


	7. We Are Who We Are

_It always tripped me out how Shakespeare apparently existed in the fantasy world of Earthland. _

_Thank you as always everyone who reviewed! Keep 'em coming! :D_

_Ke$ha in general makes me think of Fairy Tail~ :D_

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><p><strong>YOU KNOW WE'RE SUPERSTARS<br>**

* * *

><p><em>Jellal hangs over the railing of the top floor, rocking back and forth like a suspended punching bag, struck hard and sent reeling. <em>I might fall_, he thinks vaguely. _Woop, woop, alley-oop, over we go! DEAD._ There are a hundred little people below him. He sees white and blue and green and pink and RED. Over there is Erza, off in a corner, drinking Natsu Dragneel under a table..._

_And kissing him between shots._

Hnn.

_Levy's voice sounds from below. She cuts a dashing figure, with her chest puffed out and her toe pointed gracefully behind her. She giggles, chugs grog from a can and looks up at him, cheeks flushed with alcohol. "But soft! What light through yonder window breaks," she projects, waving her arms in a way akin to grace. "It is the east, and Jellaliette is the sun!"_

_The answer to her poetry is a spray of spittle as Jellal cracks up and almost falls off the top floor. "You're GREAT!"_

_"Arise, fair sun, and... and..." Levy's face contorts in a dramatic frown. "I forget the rest! Forgive me, Jellaliette, but you're pretty fine, you know!"_

_"I'll take it!" he shouts. He takes up a pose, using the free fingers on his beer-hand to fan his face as his other goes straight to his chest in a terrible _Be still, my beating heart! _impression. "Oh Levy-o, Levy-o, wherefore art thou such an incompetent _swine_, Levy-o?"_

_"Hey!"_

_"Since yonder prose is lacking, I shalt use thee as nothing more than a tool for mine own bedchambers," Jellaliette declares, adding a slightly different spin to the age-old love story. "Perchance thou wouldst also bring that Mercutio hence? Now _he's_ a dish." He waggles his eyebrows and Levy bursts out laughing, looking for someone to join them. "Lucy!" she cries, just as the blonde manages to detach herself from a persistently pervy lion spirit. "Come here! Be Mercutio!"_

_Lucy bounces innocently onto the scene, a bright pink drink in her hand. She's the girliest thing Jellal has ever seen, with her big wide eyes and her sparkly shoes. She evokes a certain sort of curiosity in him, because she is surprisingly normal in a guild full of freaks – a rose amongst thorns of ice and fire and steel. "Lucutio!" he simpers, dancing about in between heavy swigs. "Wouldst thou do me the honour of..." He pauses, turns up his nose nobly. "... ploughing me like a cornfield?"_

_Lucy turns bright red and Levy falls to her knees laughing. Jellal does much the same, smacking his head hard on the wooden railing and staggering backwards, losing balance and tumbling to the ground. Above him there are lights, but they don't really register. He recognises _blurry, bright _and_ glowing_, but nothing else. Fairy Tail's bitter homemade beer splashes across his lips, runs down his chin to pool in the hollow of his neck. Trying to drink from a bottle whilst lying down and being terribly uncoordinated actually _isn't_ that clever, go figure. From below, Levy-o's voice rings clear._

_"Lucutio, you ass! You killed Jellaliette!" Over the general chatter of the guild he hears the sound of small feet speeding towards him. Levy's by his side in moments, shaking him as he laughs deliriously, absent of sense and time and anything rational like that. "Oh no! Jellaliette has DIED. Now I will die TOO."_

_She falls across his torso. He hits her on the head with his bottle. "What was that? That wasn't romantic at all!"_

_"What? Not enough useless love confessions? Did I not gurgle enough as I died?" She grins at him cheekily from over her arm. "I could try again?"_

_"No second-chances for star-crossed lovers," Jellal says sagely, spilling more drink on his neck and the floor in an attempt to get it into his mouth. Levy props herself up on his stomach. "I dunno about that," she tells him. "You and Erza got a second chance, right?"_

_He sighs, long and loud and ridiculously, eyes rolling back in his head. "Nnn," is all he says. In theory, perhaps she's right – they're guildmates now, together in a sense. But between shots of fiery tequila, he's seen her taste the Salamander, and he's certain she wants no part in his romance. Levy casts a look in the direction of the competitive pair, even though she cannot see them through the wooden railing. She plays with her hair._

_"So... it's not happening? You and her?"_

_"Not in this lifetime," he hiccups. "It's fine, it's fine. The more I drink the less I worry. She's always been honest. She's made herself clear. Erza Scarlet and Jellal Fernandes are _friends,_ so hand me another bottle of... something, if you please. Keep me drugged up nicely, Levy-o."_

_She complies with his wish as he throws his empty bottle away. A bottle of cider three-quarters full finds its way to his hand. He starts at it with gusto, the fizz bubbling in his throat._

_"I'm glad you can let loose," she tells him, smiling. "I think Erza's glad that she can, too."_

_He shrugs, a strange sensation whilst on his back, on the floor, with a bookworm on top of him. "I talked to her before, and she didn't seem upset about... Well, the things that I've _done_, so... She says kisses hardly matter, but she's made it clear she won't take them from me. I figure I should just go with whatever feels... fun. I'm sick of sadness. Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll get jealous," he muses. "_Or_, I might find that I'm not so in love with her after all, and can stop deluding myself. We'll be friends like she wants."_

_"What are the chances of that happening?"_

_Jellal weighs it with his tongue poking from his mouth; the ultimate sign of intense concentration. Levy already knows the answer, and sympathises. Her own feelings toward a particular guy are certain, but she's still waiting for him, drifting through a vague sort of relationship limbo. She will kiss other boys and he'll kiss other girls until he's decided for certain what he wants. _

_She feels that Erza might just be the same._

:-

"So we hadn't kissed at that point?" Jellal asked, grinning at their antics in the photo. "Didn't hook in, hook up, mack on, make out?" Levy leaned forward with her face in her hands.

"Nope," she told him. "We D&M'd instead."

He looked startled. "Did I -"

"It wasn't anything... _crazy_ related, if that's what you're wondering," she smiled, touching his arm, muscle strong, skin sticky. "It was just stuff about Erza. Do you remember anything about that?"

He chewed his lip, frowning. "About Erza...? I can remember _something_... that..." He rubbed the back of his head, his hair grotty, disgusting, greasy with random shit, wet and matted. "I remember something about... zucchinis."

Levy gave him a long, steady look, as if trying to figure out whether he was joking or not. "I... yeah. I don't know anything about that," she said slowly. Jellal chuckled and rubbed his eyes.

"That's okay. But whether I remember anything happening between the two of us?" He sighed. "The answer is no. _Did_ anything happen?"

"Mirajane knows more about that than I would," Levy told him hesitantly. "But I was with you when – Well, you were with _me_ when..." She flipped the next picture around for him to see. "We were together when _this_ happened."

And she showed him her next picture.

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><p><strong>WE ARE WHO WE ARE!<br>**

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><p><em>Yes, Jellal is a terrible slut.<em>

_But after a whole year of no one for company, he's a little starved for human affection... LET US CHEER HIM-_

_GO, SON! GO! GET TAIL!_


	8. TiK ToK

_Lol, TiK ToK looks so stupid written down x) I was wondering how long it would take until I just unleashed Ke$ha. Two Ke$has in a row!_

_Thank you everyone who reviews! You guys all make me smile, and I'm so happy I can write something you enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong>GOTTA SMACK HIM IF HE'S GETTING TOO DRUNK!<strong>

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><p><em>Wendy's cries for help catch Jellal's attention.<em>

_She's leaning down next to a very, _very_ sick iron dragon who spags melted metal, stomach acid and acrid-smelling alcohol all over the floor and his arm and his shirt and his pants. It gets in his hair and down his chin as he coughs and splutters, shoulders shaking as he tries to support his own weight, already on the edge of consciousness. Wendy is disturbed by the half-melted scrap exploding from his mouth, and the panicked expression on her face makes it clear she's not used to _ANY OF THIS DRUNKEN ADOLESCENT SHIT.

_Gajeel pushes her hand off his arm, trying to tell her to back off when he retches again, stomach convulsing, body curling over in nauseas prayer. Jellal's roped into helping when his eyes make contact with the little wind dragon, and she gives him a pleading expression that is so sweet and innocent that he really can't just abandon her. He belches, pats his stomach once for strength, and stumbles over to Gajeel with as much coordination as he can muster..._

_So, really, he ends up moving like an elephant in mud shot through with tranquilisers._

_Niiiiice..._

_... Is what he's thinking, but Wendy's almost crying. "Jellal!" she calls, her hands flapping in panic, her healing magic apparently useless when it comes to alcohol poisoning. "Jellal! Jellal, help!"_

_He's wondering why she seems so desperate for him in particular when something HUGE and FURRY and REALLY FUCKING STRONG comes out of nowhere, barrelling into him and grabbing him around the waist. Everything goes dark, and Jellal finds his face buried in a shitload of amazing silky chesthair with absolutely _NO IDEA_ what's happened._

_"My prince," rumbles a deep, gravelly voice. Through his confusion, Jellal finds himself utterly jealous at the immense amount of testosterone audible in that growl. You could just _feel _it! "It has been so long since I've seen you."_

_Pantherlily hugs him so hard the air is squeezed from his lungs. He struggles, gasping for air and respite to no avail. Against the brute strength of the old Edolese magic captain there is nothing he can do. He can feel a firm jaw resting on top of his head. Hair that might have been part of a beard brushes against his ear. The arms clasped tight around his back are strong and wide, and they hold him tight. At a loss, Jellal hugs his attacker back awkwardly, legs kicking like a drowning man desperate to reach the surface. "I can't... I can't...!"_

_Pantherlily suddenly lets him go, staring straight into his face with tears in his eyes. "You can't _what_, my prince?"_

_"... Wendy?" he asks stupidly._

_Not quite._

_Now, Jellal loves cats – he wouldn't be a part of Fairy Tail if he didn't. He thinks they're fuzzy and cute and fun and – secretly - a perfect size for hugging. But the one staring at him now is a giant! with magnificent teeth and whiskers that would rival a walrus, cute round ears and eyes that are dilated with grog and admiration both. Jellal gazes back in honest awe, and realises he just can't hurt this silky, _noble_ creature. _

_"I can't... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU!" he shouts enthusiastically, throwing his arms wide. "After SO LONG!"_

_"Priiiiiiiiiiiiiiince!" this giant cat screams, hugging him again._

_"Kittyyyyyyyy!" Jellal wails, his fingers just able to touch around the immense, muscly girth that is this big cat's chest._

_There is so much love there. He _feels_ the love. He really does._

_But then something tugs on Pantherlily's arm, rips it off and away from Jellal's back. The fake prince turns around to see Gajeel; hair a mess, vomit running out of his nose and down his chin, staring at him like he is the _other woman_ in a suddenly very complicated relationship triangle._

_AWKWARD._

_"Can I help you?" Jellal asks, cool in the face of jealous rage. Gajeel grabs him by the shoulders as Pantherlily yanks him away, and..._

_Something... pops._

_"What are you trying to do to the prince!" Pantherlily roars, mortified. He socks Gajeel heavily in the face as Jellal drops to the ground, gasping, upset by the fact that he CAN'T ACTUALLY MOVE HIS LEFT ARM anymore. It doesn't hurt, but it tingles and it doesn't work, and Jellal knows that that's _not_ very good. He drops his glass of vodka and lemonade and it rolls away. _

_ESCAPE. BLESSED ESCAPE._

_"Uh... Wendy?" he calls unsurely as his head starts to spin, wildly, vividly, like clothes in a washing machine. "Erza?"_

_Above him the giant cat and the jealous dragon are arguing. Jellal's vision gets strange and nothing feels quite real. Wendy is next to him suddenly, getting him to lie down. "Relax, Jellal! It's alright, I know how to treat this, just – _don't panic_, okay?" and soon Gajeel joins him on the floor, retching and shaking as Pantherlily lies down between them both, turns to Jellal and says, "Scratch me behind the ears like you used to, my prince. It's been so long... so, so long..."_

_Everything feels so _weird. _People are acting strangely. Wendy is scared. Should _he_ be scared?_

_Is he... _going to die_?_

_Wendy tries to get Pantherlily to bring water and towels, but the giant Exceed refuses to leave Jellal's side. Jellal is touched, and pats him on the head lovingly with the hand that he can move, scratching behind his ears and prompting a purr that could easily have been mistaken for an engine motor. "Good kitty," he says deliriously. Wendy bites her lip and looks like she's about to cry again. She alternates between him and Gajeel, getting more and more distressed until she bursts into tears. Jellal sits up shakily and tries to comfort her, but doesn't expect that she'll throw herself onto him anyway._

_"Woah..." he says, head spinning. "Wendy? You okay? Wendy? Hey?"_

_But she just cries. Jellal stays as rigid as he can, making no sudden movements. Holy _shit_, he doesn't know this girl at all. Is he meant to hug her? Or would that be..._

_You know..._

_Weird?_

Ugh.

_"My shoulder hurts," he realises. "It _really_ hurts. Wendy? Why does my shoulder hurt?" He's starting to panic, because his left arm is limp and it hasn't gotten any better, and he tries to twitch his fingers but can't and tries to bend his elbow but can't and HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. IT DOESN'T MOVE. He shouts for Erza. She's a long time coming, but when she gets there it's like the sun has come out after a long week of pouring rain. It's like the battle is over, and he can go home. It's like he's _safe,_ and he sighs. She looks startled._

_"What happened!" she exclaims, putting a hand on his forehead. It's slick and hot, and he's shaking, but it's nothing that a little sky magic can't fix..._

_Probably._

_"Lovers' quarrel?" he asks her helplessly, even with Wendy still in his lap, crying. "Gajeel and... the cat? My arm..."_

_She makes a face. "Your shoulder doesn't look... Well, it's _blue_..."_

_"I don't know where I am," he says helpfully, because he feels she should know. She gives him a dubious look._

_"Wendy?" She shakes the girl but she clings to Jellal harder. "Wendy! Get off him! You're not helping!"_

_The little girl sobs and sobs and sobs, but she starts to clamber down off his lap. Strange, the authority Erza has over dragons, he muses. "E-Erza-san, I – I -"_

_"I don't care what you've got to say for yourself," Erza tells her bluntly. "Do you know how to fix him?"_

_"Y-Yes... but Gajeel..."_

_"So do it," she snaps. "You handle that. _I'll_ handle Gajeel." She turns to look at the iron slayer coughing up bile and stomach acid. "He needs to eat and get something to throw up instead of just his stomach lining," she murmurs. "Otherwise it's going to be a lot worse for him later." She looks at Jellal briefly, puts a hand on his chest and pushes him down on his back, scoffing. "Look what happens when I leave you alone."_

_"So _don't_ leave me alone."_

_Erza's eyes are unimpressed. "You don't need me," she says. And she steps over his body, vaults over a snoring Pantherlily, and kneels beside Gajeel, supporting him instead._

_Jellal stares darkly at the ceiling as Wendy apologises for getting so worked up. "I just – to see you hurt it just – you look like someone I used to – when I was a kid, I travelled with – they call him here in Earthland - because he's not _from_ Earthland – they called him – and – I just -"_

_"Don't worry about it," he smiles. "I trust you."_

_He doesn't really, but it's enough to stop her crying. He isn't crazy anymore, but he _does_ still know a bit about manipulation._

_:-_

The picture of Erza and Gajeel made him frown.

She was holding back his hair as he heaved onto the ground, kneeling in his vomit, a dutiful but concerned look set firm on her face as he ripped gouges out of the wood beneath his claws. Jellal looked up at Levy suspiciously. Wasn't this the part where he showed her a picture of them _doing_ things together? If this was meant to make him jealous, it really wasn't that bad. He wasn't _delighted_, but there was obviously nothing romantic going down. Surely nobody wanted to kiss someone who tasted like alcoholic vomit.

Surely.

Jellal thought about it, and decided that maybe that wasn't quite right.

Because _he'd_ probably do it, if it was Erza.

He put the picture at his feet. "So... You said, 'We were together when _this_ happened,' but I don't see you anywhere."

"This was just part one," she told him, fiddling with the bandana falling out of her hair. "We weren't together right_ then_, but it's important."

"Why?"

"Her underwear," Levy replied shortly. She picked up the Polaroid and held it close to his face. He grabbed it again, searching for anything he might have missed the first time –

And then he saw it; shiny and silver and forbidden.

"Is she wearing...?"

"It's kind of like a chastity belt," Levy explained, tapping the revelation under Erza's skirt, only just able to be seen. "A pair of iron underwear, with a lock and key. She doesn't usually wear it unless she thinks things are going to get... like..."

Jellal denied her the luxury of trailing off, staring at her intensely until she shrugged and blushed.

"... Unless things are getting, um... _heavy_, and she doesn't really want them to."

Jellal only nodded, looking off over her shoulder. Levy looked uncomfortable, then, and sad. She went for another photograph and passed it to him. The face that had been drawn on his stomach seemed to mirror his aura; dripping and melted like a deranged clown's make up, no longer the pretty face it was before. She leaned over to look at the photo, too, and spoke in a soft voice.

"A-Anyway... because Gajeel is, well, _Gajeel_... it all ended up leading to _that._"

* * *

><p><strong>GOTTA SMACK HIM IF HE'S GETTING TOO DRUNK!<strong>

* * *

><p><em>GajeelJellal onesided hate is also a personal headcanon of mine. I don't think he wants anyone messing with his cat, and I'm sure Mystogan would have words to say if Gajeel claimed Lily as his._

_HE WAS /MY/ PANTHER FOSTER DADDY FIRST, FUCKER-! and all that. Yeah._

_And Lady AshenMarsha? I am nothing short of delighted at Jellal's wordy title~ :D KEEP IT COMING?  
><em>


	9. La La

_Sorry this update is so late D: I've been really bummed out recently D: No fun._

_Um... When I say _titter_, I mean this Ernie from Sesame street sort of thing... Or something akin to that :/ Bleh! I sound like such a killjoy right now! Buck up, self!_

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><p><strong>YOU MAKE ME WANNA LA LA!<strong>

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><p><em>Jellal hefts Levy on top of his shoulders, takes a swig out of his rapidly-draining bottle, screams, "Surf's up!" and uses a tabletop to slide down the stairs to the bottom floor, much to the disbelief of everyone he hits upon landing. Their makeshift board is like a bowling ball amongst pins; guildmates fly everywhere, with bodies hitting bottles and walls and CATS. Yowls and loud expletives abound as Jellal and Levy hurtle forwards, hit a wall and fall.<em>

_They laugh, and they laugh and they laugh and they laugh, and Jellal's vision is topsy-turvy, everything swimming in blissful nonsensical fantasy. AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME. Levy thumps her hands into his bare shoulder blades, leans down to rest her forehead on the back of his neck. "Let's do it again!" she giggles, bouncing. "Again! Again!"_

_Jellal titters into the floorboards, whole body shaking. He tries to move his arms and manages to get his right hand – the one holding the bottle – to the side of his head. He stares through the cider glass. "Everything is GREEN, Levy! Round and GREEN!" He rolls onto his back, looks up at her, flushed, appreciating what he sees. "Better watch out for me," he smirks. "I'm a predator."_

_"You mean you're a _slut_," she smirks back. She kneads his chest absently and sighs. "I'm starting to sober up."_

_"Same," Jellal scowls. "Quick." He sits up and she flails. "Drinks! More drinks!"_

_He barely manages to get to his feet before Levy jumps on his back. "Carry me!" She points over his shoulder. "There! Go, my faithful steed!"_

_"Steed indeed," Jellal grins stupidly._

_They snigger, and think they're very clever._

_They're stumbling off towards the bar when Erza crosses their path, swaggering and staring at her feet as if she'd sprouted sweet little fawn hooves all a sudden. "Hey," she says to them vaguely. They reply in kind and she continues on her way, heading in the general direction of Freed and Mirajane, who are wrapped around each other like creeper vines on a tree. Hot on Erza's trail is Natsu, who salutes Jellal goofily with one lazy flick of the hand._

_"Erza! I'm going to get youuuuu~!" he drawls. "I'll win this time~! Just you WATCH."_

_He's followed closely by Gajeel, who cocks his head aggressively at the piggybacking friends before refocusing his attention. _

_"No – take _me_ on first! I'm a HUNDRED times better than the Salamander!"_

_Wendy brings up the rear, jogging after the three of them determinedly. "Erza-saaan! You didn't tell me the end of that story...!"_

_After the parade has passed, Levy rolls her eyes, sighing into Jellal's ear._

_"_Dragons_," she scoffs._

_"More like ducklings," Jellal offers, bemused._

_"Jealouuuuuuus?"_

_"Are _you_?"_

_"Shaddup."_

_"Convincing."_

_She hits him, and like a good horse he trots off behind the bar to help himself to whatever's lying around. Levy climbs off his back and seats herself on the countertop, waiting as Jellal gathers supplies and pours them both a very potent and entirely noxious cocktail of spirits and wine. "Why're you using champagne glasses?"_

_"I'm... adding a taste of class to the much _stronger_ taste of... vomit and methylated spirits," he reasons, frowning at the smell._

_He holds a glass out for Levy to sniff. She jerks her head back and looks horrified. "You want me to drink THAT? And you think it being in a wine glass will make it any better?"_

_He shrugs. "Can't hurt," he tells her confidently. He takes a gulp..._

_... Only to bend over retching in the next breath. Nothing comes out of his mouth but spit, although it feels like his stomach is trapped right there in the back of his throat. When he stops he sways back up into standing. "I'll remember SHIT ALL tomorrow if I drink this." He shares a frown with Levy, but doesn't put the glass down._

_Lucky thing, too._

_"Look out!" Levy shouts, just as Erza and Gajeel come crashing in to the bartop, a rough ball of flailing limbs, growls and grunts that breaks and knocks aside every bit of glass in its path. Gajeel's hands are everywhere, and so is his tongue as he drags it across her wristguards, greaves, in between her fingers, the crook of her elbow, her collar, her breastplate, leaving nothing but wet skin, dripping fabric and dissolved steel in his wake. Erza narrows her eyes, hits him sharply across the face, kicks him in a stomach made of solid iron and almost falls. Gajeel pins her against one of Cana's empty kegs atop the counter. _

_Levy stares._

_Jellal stares too._

_It's when Gajeel latches on to one of Erza's armoured breasts that Jellal's self control starts to waver. He goes to speak, but doesn't know what he's going to say. Levy shouts the iron dragon's name and he looks up quickly, like a predator that has been disturbed at a carrion feast. He holds Levy's gaze for a second, then gets right back to his meal, as Erza's defences become less and less interested, and one of her callused hands travels to his fist in his hair._

_She's facing away from Jellal - doesn't know he's even there. He watches, though, with a strange sense of detachment - his only balm for jealousy, since he knows he can't interfere. The position of unrequited lover rarely offers perks like that, after all._

_With this thought in mind, a flute full of liquid amnesia rises slowly to his lips. Jellal tips his head back, finishing the concoction. His stomach heaves, but he doesn't give in to it. He doesn't have time to throw up._

_He just has to keep watching._

_By now the metal on her chest has dissolved, and instinct drives the dragon to go for something better tasting than food. Erza's white blouse is thin and now see-through from spit, and the circle Gajeel's wet tongue has made on her breast harbours a pink nipple as centrepiece. Erza's lost to inebriation, nervous tension and instinctive stimulation. She'd stolen Gajeel's first kiss that night; a folly of a dare which'd made him blush and stutter. She'd laughed. Maybe she'd roused something in him._

_She lets her head fall back, drunk on feeling as well as spirits, but the familiar face she sees makes her lucid at once. Jellal stares at her like she's a stranger, and as soon as she remembers why, she kicks Gajeel away violently, lets down her guard completely, intent only on trying to apologise. Her arms cross over chest, and she tries to say something, but before she can even get a sentence out Gajeel returns, flipping up her skirt and taking a GIANT bite out of her underwear._

_There is a shout, a scream, someone drags Gajeel away and..._

_... both glasses of the monstrous spirit mix are emptied._

_:-_

Gajeel was frozen in the picture, his mouth clamped around the waistband of Erza's iron underwear. The knight's face was distraught, her skirt up around her hips, pink skin visible through wet patches on her blouse. Jellal stared at it quietly, chewing at the inside of his cheek. With each bite he could taste alcoholic saliva, and it was GROSS.

"Did I kill him?" he asked eventually.

"No."

"Did... someone else?"

"No."

"So he's still alive?"

"Yes."

"It's not too late to change that."

"Jellal," Levy sighed. "Murder isn't good. After all the effort it took to get you back _out_ of prison..."

"They'd never catch me," he assured her, with a confidence in his face that would have her believe him. "Not this time. As soon as this seal wears off..."

"The one Master casted before the drinking started?"

He looked like he'd forgotten. "No – well, that _too_ - but I have a good behaviour bond of six months." He pouted, sulking. "_Good_ _behaviour_ really means _NO_ _MAGIC_, _YOU_ _TATTOOED_ _WHORE_, so... no meteors for a while. Still, there are always ways around that."

"Teeth and fists? Crowbars?"

Jellal smiled a smile uncannily resemblant of a shark, wide and toothy and fierce. Levy was hit with a sudden appreciation for how villainous he could have been when she saw that expression. He _did_ have a dark side, one which went a little further than his morbid sense of humour.

Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.

Scary. Kind of cool.

But he seemed to snap out of it quickly. "How're you in all this, anyway?" he asked, frowning. "You alright?"

Levy's expression was bright as sunshine. "Someone hugged me and let me cry on them, and then kissed it better," she said cheekily. Jellal blinked, pointed to himself with an innocent look on his face. "Yes _you_, you idiot! I actually... _initiated_ it... But you responded! And you were really nice! You said all these lovely things -"

"Don't tell anyone," he warned her. "Gray and Natsu already think I'm a big enough pushover as it is. I don't need word getting around that I'm nice to crying girls."

"You were pretty nice to crying _boys_, too," she winked.

"Why does that not surprise me?" he sighed, closing his eyes. "_Which_ boys, though, is the question."

"I'll let you find that out yourself." Levy fiddled with the last photograph left in her hand, drawing his attention. She answered his silent question readily. "You'll like this one. It's of you and Erza... _together~_" He snatched for it but she pulled it back. "I can't tell you what happened, though. I only know that you went up to her, and you said _something_, and she pretty much just wouldn't let go of you." She surrendered the photo and smiled at the grin on his face. "That's all I have for you this morning," she yawned, rubbing a hand over her eyes. "Go find someone else to fill you in on the rest of it, okay?"

Jellal couldn't wipe the concentrated joy off his face if he tried, and the elation of his mood seemed almost to counteract the throbbing pain of his terrible headache.

"Thanks, Levy," he smiled.

Levy poked her tongue out, embarrassed. "Oh! And about that picture; someone... took care of everything and... threw Gajeel into a wall. His name is _Laxus_, and he's kind of controversial, but... well... if you ever need Gajeel to stop harassing someone..." She cleared her throat nervously. "He's probably still around somewhere. You should thank him if you find him."

Jellal got to his feet, ready to keep searching for the answers to the night before. "Right. Laxus. Thanks."

Levy yawned once and rested her head on her forearm.

"Good luck with it all," she smiled groggily.

"Levy?"

"What?"

"I won't kill anyone," he promised.

"Good on you," she smiled. "Now get going!"

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><p><strong>YOU MAKE ME WANNA - YOU MAKE ME WANNA - SCREAM!<strong>

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><p><em>TACKY SONGS ABOUND - CAN YOU HANDLE IT?<em>

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter D: Please continue to support me D:_


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